`Mr. Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; or `Dinosaur Breath'; or `Molecule Mind'. And if you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- in those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arsehole". -- Lister in Red Dwarf `Kryten' %% Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha. Lister: What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha? -- Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia' %% I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Better than life' %% His head burst! -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Justice' %% Kryten: The question is, how do we turn him back? Rimmer: No, the question is, do we want to?' (shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.) -- Red Dwarf `DNA' %% Oxygen's for losers! -- Confidence in Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia' %% Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... would you like a toasted tea cake? -- Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf `White Hole' %% Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed. Cat: Hey, you just listed all my best features! -- Red Dwarf `White Hole' %% Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blueberry schoolgirl mush I have ever been forced to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush. Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting? [....] Cat: Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart. All that stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it went black-and-white and I fell asleep. Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme! -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Sir -- a couple of brief points. Firstly, you're not a qualified service engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee. Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that was already open. -- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Terrorform' %% Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless? Frogs: Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless. Cat: Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck! And it's got a human face! Lister: It's Rimmer's mum! -- Red Dwarf `Terrorform' %% Cat: Don't fish swim south for the winter? Kryten: That's birds sir. Cat: Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe? -- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that question? - Lister, when they discover the suicides in -- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it. -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% Kryten: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen before attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form. It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew members, and even that fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated. It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments of despair and anguish. Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat? Lister: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone has ever truly loved me in my entire life. Cat: What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? I mean you guys just fall apart (crying). -- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% Lister: You see I try sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer, but it's not easy because he's such a smeghead. Rimmer: Did you hear that sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead? Todhunter: Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead. -- Red Dwarf `The End' %% You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have? -- Lister to Rimmer in Red Dwarf `The End' %% Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm? Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback! -- Red Dwarf `The End' %% Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin? Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. -- Red Dwarf `Parallel Universe' %% That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers. -- Lister to his female counterpart in Red Dwarf `Parallel Universe' %% I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to her, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines. -- Lister in Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% Cat: Look at my hands, I had lovely hands. Lister: Well wear the smegging gloves. Cat: (picking up gloves) Marigold with blue? Are you crazy? -- Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you I'm that far from cracking. (goes to cut the pea, it rolls away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked. Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale. Lister: Is he. Well. I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is, it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what! Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty sock basket. Lister: I'll just have the toast. -- Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% During the chess game in `Queeg': Cat: If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging. Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to Holly). Holly: (winks back) Thanks Cat. -- Red Dwarf %% Holly: We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. Yes, that's right, I am Queeg. Rimmer, Lister, Cat: WHAT?!! -- Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!! (just before he explodes) -- Red Dwarf `Timeslides' %% This is mine; that's mine,[etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ... except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine! Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can have sex with something! -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia' %% Kryten: She looks like your cousin? What happened, was she in some kind of horrible accident? Rimmer: What, Janine? No, she was a model! Kryten: What did she model, spark plugs? -- Red Dwarf `Camille' %% You'll like them... Well some of them... Well one of them... Maybe.... -- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille' %% Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd -- Kryten in Red Dwarf %% He's got 'droid rot. He's waving a banana in front of my face and calling it an aardvark -- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Camille' %% Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast. -- Ace Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump' %% Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment factor - 91%. Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night! -- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump' %% Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders that I don't understand! -- Red Dwarf `The Last Day' %% Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college? Lister: The same way you always get into art college. The same old usual boring normal way everyone gets into art college. I failed my exams and applied...they snapped me up! -- Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory' %% A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice. -- Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that they drop the defensive shields) in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Holly: Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton John. Lister: Why? Holly: Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John. -- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' %% Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf Holly: Nothing wrong with Dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins; full of marrow-bone jelly! Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk. Lister: Why's that? Holly: No bugger will drink it! -- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' %% Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere? Holly: Yes, connect it to the blue cable. [F/X Lister is electrocuted] Holly: Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it should be the yellow cable. -- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' %% Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface. -- Red Dwarf `Me^2' %% Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop though. Lister: Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue pie, man, what was that? Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back. Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot! -- Red Dwarf `Better Than Life' %% Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass! -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican. -- Rimmer to Holly in Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% Lister, if two people came to you for a job, and one of them's dead, which one would you choose? -- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Queeg' %% The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting. -- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille' %% I'm not pished! -- Lister in Red Dwarf `White Hole' %% Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. -- Cat in Red Dwarf `White Hole' %% My god! But I was only away two minutes! -- Kryten, on being told that the Nova 5 crew was dead in Red Dwarf `Kryten' %% Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo. -- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster in Red Dwarf `DNA' %% Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning? -- Rimmer to Kryten in Red Dwarf `The Last Day' %% No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. -- Red Dwarf `The Last Day' %% Holly: Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji now -- not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with. -- Red Dwarf `The End' %% If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup. -- Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump' %% Convict: You have no weapons? Lister: No. Do you? Convict: No. (they advance on the gangway) Convict: (pulling out a knife) Guess what, I lied. Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe) Convict: (pulls out a gun) But I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end of the gun) Lister: (getting worried) I didn't think of that. [A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.] -- Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump' %% Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah! -- Holly in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory' %% You forgot Rimmer's Rule: Never fight anything with more teeth than the entire Osmond family -- Red Dwarf `Polymorph' %% This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy! -- Cat in Red Dwarf `Polymorph' %% It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. -- Red Dwarf `Future Echoes' %% Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our genitals. -- Red Dwarf `Confidence & Paranoia' %% Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead! Rimmer: What?! That isn't my fantasy! Cat: No, it's mine. -- Red Dwarf `Better than life' %% Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings do not bounce! -- Lister in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory' %% Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a rent in the space time continuum. Cat: What is it? Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room. Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply. Cat: What is it? Lister: It's a hole back into the past. Cat: Oh, a magic door! Why didn't you say so? -- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' %% Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and _doesn't_ go into show business? - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer! Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back. -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex? Rimmer: We...go for runs? Watch gardening video's on the ship's vid? -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Nirvana: It was...different Rimmer: Different? Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_ many courses. [....] Nirvana: We usually talk. Rimmer: What do you talk about? Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles... Rimmer: I'm sorry. I must seem very ignorant. I hardly said anything, apart from `Geronimo'. -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck up megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon Voyage. -- Lister in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly, I am. -- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us now. To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science teachers. -- Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Woman: I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind. This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew ... and the crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating curries? Lister: We don't exactly do much salvaging. Woman: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries? Kryten: We don't exactly eat curries every night, if that's what you mean. In fact, I distinctly remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza. Remember? And you didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he just yummed it up! Woman: And the all night poker sessions. Is it always _strip_ poker? Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are. Cat: Or how much curry he's had. Woman: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet? Lister: Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept? Woman: No. No, I think I'm better where I am. Cat: But you're dead! Woman: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. -- Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people I met. -- Rimmer, making his goodbyes in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Oh and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart. We just won't be together. I cannot believe I just said that. -- Rimmer, talking about Nirvana in Red Dwarf `Holoship' %% Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy. The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment. Lister: Yeah, its the comic book version. -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Kryten: That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless. Rimmer: We're in big trouble. -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Rimmer: Why did no one mention this before. If I had been told about this at the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons that I pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them _my_ credit card number. Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life. Rimmer: Oh god. Kryten: Make a contribution. Rimmer: Oh God. Kryten: No matter how small. Rimmer: Oh GOD. Kryten: You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, self centered, and self serving. Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Inquisitor: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be ... yourself. Rimmer: Oh SMEG. -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Lister: If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is the time to tell me about it. Kryten: No plan sir. No sleeves. -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Lister: We used to be your shipmates. Rimmer: Only - we've forgotten you. Lister: Yeah. Rimmer: Well, I don't know about you -- but I'm convinced. -- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people committed suicide! -- Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him. in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second? -- Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Nyaa. It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick. -- Lister in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor' %% Kryten personal black box recording. Time unknown. Location unknown. Cause of accident unknown. Should someone find this, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short term memory, has left me a little disoriented. -- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Terrorform' %% Lister: Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a tarantula. Cat: (You're playing that dumb adventure game!) Lister: It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest. Cat: (Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard -- that's what I usually do.) Lister: I'm SERIOUS. Cat: It has an eye the size of a meatball. Lister: Kill it. Cat: How? Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me. Cat: I'm scared. Lister: YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? Cat: You haven't SEEN it! Lister: The lower half of my body has gone numb. Cat: That's probably for the best. Lister: It's moving. Oh *#%^**!!!! Hand: Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow. -- Red Dwarf `Terrorform' %% Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm not going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around lets establish whether I am the type of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or whether I get all up tight by being ordered about by whatever type of guy you are. CLEAR! [....] Kryten: Jake Bullet, Cybernetic Detective. I like the sound of that. That sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well they can park their overpayed fat asses on this middle digit and swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon. Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernetics division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name. [....] Kryten: Bullet. Cybernetics. Cop: That's traffic control. -- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% Rimmer: Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobbly hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it hits him. With all his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so it ends, the Ballard of Billy `Granny Killer' Doyle. Lister: (To Rimmer) It's yours. Rimmer: What?! Lister: It's yours -- Bill. Rimmer: No. Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then man. Rimmer: William Doyle. `William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back to me now. Lister: What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly good breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly male Yak has taken a leak in both pockets. Rimmer: Well isn't it obvious. Kryten: No it isn't. Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine. -- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine. And now my best flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you with the gun. -- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality' %% If idiocy was illegal, this would be a penitentiary. %% Sysop: Guy who likes watching others use his computer. %% Feces Occurs! %% I don't do mornings OR Windows %% alt.comp.pc.os.useless.windows.die.die.die %% Why do computers like human beings? They turn them on. %% Hum be doo wap bap boo da doo bop bop bop dop. %% short meaning_of_life() { return 42; } %% In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. %% Me not wanna go to work. Me wanna bang on keyboard! %% Write complaint legibly in this box: [] %% Never eat anything larger than your head. %% Don't be so humble. You're not that great. %% Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. %% IBM: I've Been Mesmerized %% Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. %% The plural of spouse is spice. %% Optimist: One lacking sufficient experience. %% When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. %% Efficency == (Speed * Size * $) Cubed %% Do you think binary? 0 or 1? %% Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. %% There's that strange noise from the drive again... %% Habit is stronger than reason. %% Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due %% Sex is natural, but not if it's done right. %% How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. %% It's like my brain has a mind of it's own! %% 2400 baud makes you want to get out and push. %% Aim for the impossible and you will achieve the improbable. %% alt.nudes.outdoor.homo.afro.dwarfs.spastic %% Copywight 1997 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. %% DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS %% I will not torment the emotionally fragile %% The Breeze of Integrity and/or The Wind of Arrogance %% Sex [n], a commodity expensive in marriage and cheap in prostitution. %% Old McDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. EIEIO. %% I have yet to see any problem, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated. %% A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.. %% I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. %% Air is water with holes in it. %% All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power. %% FORTRAN? The syntactically incorrect statement DO 10 I = 1.10 will parse and generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: DO10I = 1.10 If that doesn't terrify you, it should. %% Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs. %% Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. %% I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable. %% All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? %% Line noise? What fh=.hElL is.LinS nfise? %% God created anchovies. Satan put them on pizza... %% Intel: Redefining the PC -- and Math as well %% The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. %% Diplomacy: Saying "nice doggy" until you find a gun.... %% Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. %% Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed. %% My wife left me. She kept saying I didn't listen to her, or something.. %% {This is the sound of two laserdiscs clapping.} %% I multitask... I read in the bathroom! %% *NEWSFLASH* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. %% MS-DOS causes deafness and hair loss when used by laboratory rats. %% If you don't think women are explosive, drop one! %% Don't drink and drive, you might spill it. %% I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. %% I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. %% I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. %% Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. %% I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. %% There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS. %% Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head. %% "I did the same thing that everybody did: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. The difference is my life was available in a video cassette, on a shelf, for money." Traci Lords %% Stupidity can not be cured with money, or through education or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity. Robert A. Heinlein %% Sex on TV won't hurt you a bit, unless you fall off. %% Television is democracy at its ugliest. %% Is there a lawyer in the house? Is there another? %% Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. %% It's been Monday all week today. %% The best number for a dinner party is 2. Myself and a damn good headwaiter. %% I've seen Elvis. He sat between me and BigFoot in the UFO %% 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. %% Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion %% Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway. %% The sad thing about Windows bashing is it's all true. %% If its Tourist Season, why can't we shoot 'em? %% Me, indecisive? I'm not so sure about that. %% Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand. %% Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary %% Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. %% I lost my phone number can I borrow yours?? %% MIPS: Meaningsless Indicator of Processor Speed %% Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? %% A penny for your thoughts, $200/hr to act them out. %% An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. %% All who believe in telekinesis, please raise MY hand! %% When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid. %% The Society for the banning of the prostitution of underage penguins %% I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. %% It's a shame stupidity isn't painful. %% Reality is something I've managed to rise above. %% Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. %% 4 of 5 Sysops prefer donuts; one prefers women...but she's strange. %% As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. %% A sword sometimes misses its mark -- a bouquet never. %% For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier; I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. %% There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. %% The wind blows for free. How much do you charge? %% The greatest fault is to be conscious of none. %% Originality is the art of concealing your source. %% An idea is a curious thing. It won't work unless you do. %% If you have to ask you're not entitled to know. %% Life is anything that dies when you stomp it. %% Thought is action in rehearsal. %% Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. %% A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind. %% A closed mouth gathers no foot. %% A lie in time saves nine. %% All's well that ends. %% Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. %% A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything. %% A penny saved is ridiculous. %% A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. %% Automatic simply means that you cannot repair it yourself. %% By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out. %% Crime is merely politics without the excuses. %% Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. %% Did you know that no-one ever reads these things? %% Don't be so humble...you aren't that great. %% Don't feed the bats tonight. %% Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. %% Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. %% Favorite animal: steak %% Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self. %% Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out. %% He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. %% How you look depends on where you go. %% If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. %% I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food. %% If it ain't broke, don't fix it. %% If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth. %% If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. %% If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them. %% I'm a self-made man. Who else would help? %% In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. %% Inflation: A dollar saved is a quarter earned. %% In the long run, we are all dead. %% It's clever, but is it art? %% Justice: A decision in your favor. %% Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. %% Life is a temporary assignment. %% Locks and keys are for honest people. %% Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread. %% Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once. %% Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. %% Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. %% Never eat more than you can lift. %% Never mistake good manners for good will. %% Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. %% New systems generate new problems. %% People are always available for work in the past tense. %% Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion. %% Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. %% Revenge is a dish best served cold. %% Strong words connote weak arguments. %% Succeeding is more satisfying than success. %% Swap read error. You lose your mind. %% Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art. %% The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed. %% The bigger they are, the harder they punch. %% The rat race is over. The rats won. %% There's always one more bug. %% Those who do not learn from history often end up making it. %% Western Civilization: It would be a good idea. %% Xerox never comes up with anything original. %% You can't have everything. Where would you put it? %% It's a question of mind over matter: We no longer mind, 'cause you no longer matter! %% Clevage is just uptown advertising for downtown business. %% Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, and love like your heart was never broken. %% Lower your expectations and life just gets better and better. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have to floss my cat. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I want to spend more time with my blender. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but The President said he might drop in. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm sandblasting my oven. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but my plot to take over the world is thickening. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I don't want to leave my comfort zone. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but it's too close to the turn of the century. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm giving nuisance lessons at a conveniece store. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I left my body in my other clothes. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but none of my socks match. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I never go out on days that end in "y". %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I promised my friend to fold road maps. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I feel a song coming up. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have to study for a blood test. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick ant. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. %% Would you like to go out? I'd love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. %% WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger. %% WindowError:002 No error...Yet. %% WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file. %% WindowError:004 Erroneous error. Nothing wrong. %% WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused. %% WindowError:006 Malicous error. Desqview found on drive. %% WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent. %% WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments. %% WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what happend. %% WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full. %% WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 Mb minimum. %% WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed! More! More! %% WindowError:00D Window closed. Don't look out. %% WindowError:00E Window open. Don't look in. %% WindowError:00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happend. %% WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes. %% WindowError:014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening! %% WindowError:015 Unable to exit Windows. Try the Door. %% WindowError:016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete. %% WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of! %% WindowError:018 Unrecovable error. System destroyed. %% WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not! %% WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry. %% WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do NOT get this error. %% WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate. %% WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed. %% WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. ..And wait ...And wait %% WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes. %% WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost. %% Stoned Immaculate. %% Accidents speak louder than words. %% What colour is the sky in your world? %% I'm consumed by the chill of solitary. %% I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man. %% It's what's inside you've got to rearrange. %% Even better! I'll bring a shoehorn! %% She never lost her head even when she was givin head %% Like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. %% If you're flawless then you'll win my love. %% All I really want is a way to calm this angry voice. %% King of the horseflies! %% I need someone to ease my mind. %% You pretend to know me well, my friends. %% I'm sure you know me well as I'm sure you don't. %% I'm starting to get on my own nerves. %% Wake me up when the killing starts. %% Nurse, bring me that really large anesthetic mallet.. %% Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going? %% Like I give a cats ass. %% Excuse me? You must be mistaking me for someone who gives a shit. %% What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. %% I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it! %% Q: How many Intel CPUs does it take to do a logical RightShift ?? A: 1 to hold the bits and 32 to hold the register %% I couldn't help it - the only thing I can't resist is temptation. %% You can tell when politicians are lying...They move their lips. %% Stamp it and ship it. %% Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it. %% A diplomat is a person that can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. %% When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. %% You live you learn You love you learn You cry you learn You lose you learn You bleed you learn You scream you learn %% You've already won me over in spite of me. %% No fun with no guilt feelings. %% I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone I recommend walking around naked in your living room %% I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for? %% I'm driving 90 miles per hour in the wrong direction, baby. You better get off before I hit something.. %% You wait and see when the smoke clears %% Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face %% As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein %% A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. %% You don't know how it feels to be me. %% Untouchable! %% I only said it was impossible -- I never said I couldn't do it. %% Everybody lies about bad sex! - Robert A. Hienlein. %% To boldly go, where no sane person has any business... %% An oyster is a fish built like a nut. %% Flying Windows smooth full-frame 24bit - Dropping it into Grand Canyon! %% 2% of men over the age of 50, die while having sex. %% Unbreakable toys may be used to break other toys. %% The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. %% There's someone I used to see, but she don't give a damn for me. %% I am too alone to be proud. %% A seven day honeymoon makes one weak. %% Wanted: Meaningful, overnight relationship... %% Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wuntime ewwows! %% Neil : "Guys, there's some dinner on the floor if you want it" -- The Young Ones `DEMOLITION' %% Rik & Vyv : "Neil, your bedroom's on fire!" -- The Young Ones `OIL' %% Neil : "No way man ! Everyone knows sleep gives you CANCER!" -- The Young Ones `OIL' %% Neil : "I just looked at it and it blew up!" -- The Young Ones `BORING' %% Policeman : "That's white man's electricity you're using." (to be used with heavily emphasised smilies!) -- The Young Ones `BORING' %% Neil : "Guys, why don't we, like, try going to lectures tomorrow?" Mike : "Neil, I know things are bad but there's no need to panic! No, I'll just treat this problem like my mattress - and sleep on it." -- The Young Ones `BORING' %% Neil : "It's like the kettle killed itself rather than be used by me..." -- The Young Ones `BOMB' %% Mike : "If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin" -- The Young Ones `BOMB' %% Mike : "A social conscience is like a garden fence, you try to eat it, it'll get stuck in your throat." -- The Young Ones `BOMB' %% Rick : "No, YOU put my address down. Rick, 15 Credibility Street" -- The Young Ones at the Social Security office in `BOMB' %% Rick : "Tomorrow everyone in England will be free, and there will be no more social prejudice or hatred. GET UP NEIL, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!" -- The Young Ones `BOMB' %% Neil's hippie friend Neil : "My barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling!" -- The Young Ones `INTERESTING' %% Rick : "You bought me a present! It's a telescope -- a telescope with a mouse in it!" -- The Young Ones `INTERESTING' %% Professor Jim Morrison : "Wow, what is this stuff - tobacco or ... Pink Floyd?" -- The Young Ones `INTERESTING' %% Neil's hippie friend Neil : "Wow - it's so uncoool!" -- The Young Ones `INTERESTING' %% Rick : "Wouldn't it be amazing if all this (Monopoly) money were real?" Vyv : "Rick, that has got to be the most predictable, pathetic, boring statement someone always says in a game of Monopoly." -- The Young Ones `BORING' %% Rick : "God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis" -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Rick : "There's nothing poofy about a man wanting to love his fellow man - It's just when they start touching each others' bottoms...." - (to be used with heavy smilies) -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Vyv: "I've put it (serum that turns you into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac) in this Coca-Cola can so no-one will drink it!" Neil: "You know, I just bet that a bit later on someone does drink it." Rick: "Yes, I bet that's just the kind of zany imaginative thing that happens around here." -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Mr. Balowski : "Ah, Coca-Cola, symbol of free West!" -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Rick : "There's no one in here, Mr. Balowski! We're all holograms!" -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Neil : "Oh, well, out of one frying pan, into another frying pan." -- The Young Ones `FLOOD' %% Vyv : "You haven't got a sister, Rick! You're the classic example of an only child." -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Vyv : "This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence." -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Rick: "Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes..." Vyv: "I don't know why you bother ever." -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Neil : "Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out!" -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Rick : "Hands up who likes me!" -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Miss Money-Sterling : "I've got a Porsche -bwaha haha ha" (a.k.a. Emma Thompson) -- The Young Ones `BAMBI' %% Vyv : "Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? What happens when we want to play Monopoly? Go directly to plate? Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie?" -- The Young Ones `CASH' %% Neil : "Boom shanka...May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman." -- The Young Ones `CASH' %% Rick: "Oh, that's right, Vyvyan. If the mountain won't come to Muhammed, smash the drawing room to pieces. That's very Buddhist, isn't it!" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick: "Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick: "Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you're in the bath?" Neil: "Well, yeah." Rick: "Why, what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Mike : "What's that thumping?" Vyv : "Oh, it's probably Rick doing a bit of reading." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Vyv : "YES!! WE'VE GOT A VIDEO!!!" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Mike : "I hate to say anything negative, but no." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Vyv : "Rick, shut up or I'll kill you." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Neil : "Flares are coming back in -- I read it in my horoscope!" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick : "Neil, how are you keeping that flowerpot up?!?" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick : "Oh, no. The front door's exploded." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Vyv : "'Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan!' Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always 'blame Vyvyan!'" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick : "What, me, Rick, a virgin? Try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours." -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Rick : "So in fact, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night. Now that's what I call anarchy!" -- The Young Ones `NASTY' %% Neil : "Oh no, I'll die if I miss 'Scooby-Doo'!" -- The Young Ones `TIME' %% Rick : "And that's Vyvyan....being sick" -- The Young Ones `TIME' %% Mike : "Last one to find the jungle animal has to take off all their clothes. (to Helen Mucus) All right, your turn." -- The Young Ones `TIME' %% Rick : "We never clean the toilet, Neil! That's what being a student is all about!" -- The Young Ones `SICK' %% Neil: "I hope Mike hurries back with the cure!" Vyv: "No Neil, it's Madness this week!" -- The Young Ones `SICK' %% Mr. Balowski : "Aw, some sod broke your chair! That's 20 pounds you owe me." -- The Young Ones `SUMMER HOLIDAY' %% Rick : "What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land! Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do ! And do you know why? Because we're Young Ones! Bachelor Boys! Wild eyed big bottomed anarchists ! LOOK OUT !!! CLLLLLIIIIIFFFF!!!" -- The Young Ones `SUMMER HOLIDAY' %% Adrian: "Shut up you bastard." Rik: "You just called me a bastard, didn't you?" -- The Young Ones %% Rick: "Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes..." Vyv: "I don't know why you bother ever." -- The Young Ones %% The Young Ones and Cliff Richard singing `Living Doll': Cliff (singing) : "Gonna lock her up in a trunk so no big hunk can steal her away from me." Rick: "I still think locking girls up in a trunk is politically unsound." Mike: "It's only a song, Rick." Neil: "Well, I feel sorry for the elephants." %% Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea; massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -- Gene Spafford %% Bitch = Beautiful Intelligent Talented Committed and Happy. %% My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. %% You can observe alot just by watching. %% I just died in your arms tonight. It must have been something you said. %% How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want to change. %% Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection. %% Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. %% I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. %% I'm stuck inside the World Wide Web with weirdos I don't know. %% Excuse me, do I have "fuck me" written on my forehead? %% What do you want me to do!? Dress in drag and do the hula? %% I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum. %% Never opened myself this way. %% Schitzophrenic? Us? %% 2+2 now equals 5.15785423. Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly. %% You are a very perverse individual, and I think I'd like to get to know you better. %% Profanity is the one language all programmers understand. %% I'm a guru, not a god!! That's a whole different career path! %% "Marvin, I'd knock that shit off if I was you." -- Jules, Pulp Fiction %% "Goddamn! That's a pretty fuckin' good milk shake." -- Vincent, Pulp Fiction %% Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. %% "No, I'm not going to explain it. If you can't figure it out, you didn't want to know anyways..." %% The wages of sin is death -- but after taxes it's only a tired feeling at the end of the day. %% Genius is the power of lighting one's own fire. %% Aspirins give me a headache. %% An accident looking for a place to happen. %% "This isn't right. This isn't even -wrong-." -- Wolfgang Pauli %% The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. %% This tagline may not say much, but it says it pretty well. %% The world is complex. Sendmail.cf reflects this. %% They say absolute power corrupts absolutely, but hey, it's as fun as hell! %% The two most common elements: Hydrogen & Stupidity %% Why read when you can just sit and stare at things? %% If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. %% The best substitute for experience is being sixteen. %% Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions %% Panic: Examining all your options at high speed. %% People with their feet firmly planted on the ground don't grow on trees. %% Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. %% I have 7 hobbies - sex and alcohol %% Sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. %% Warning: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. %% You know, people tell me that I'm unobservant. I've never noticed it myself. %% If everyone were happy all the time, musicians would be out of a job. %% If you can lay in the gutter without holding on you're not really drunk. %% Enjoy sex? Like to travel? Take a fucking hike! %% Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. %% Respect your Elders, for they can grind you to dust. %% An expert is somebody that has nothing more to learn about the subject at hand. %% The more I know, the more I know how little I know. %% As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. %% Rotten wood can not be carved. %% LISP: Lots of Idiotic Stupid Parenthesis %% Failure to plan ahead on someone else's part does not constitute an emergency on my part. %% Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. %% # wall "Mwuahahahaha!!!"; newfs /dev/userdisk %% "You see, a girl has got to kiss a lot of frogs to finally meet a prince," she told me in this husky voice that made me wonder which I was. %% "Our market research has determined that there is no demand for OS/2 applications and I wish our customers would quit asking for it." - a Lotus executive at an OS/2 marketing event %% People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. %% Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. %% Oh, father please help me, for I have done wrong. %% If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. %% "Have you ever noticed...whenever God needed a killing...he sent an angel. Have you ever wondered what a creature like that must be like? Your whole existence praising your God but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?" -- The Prophecy %% "He MUST have known I would treat the request with as much urgency as washing the wall behind the bathroom mirror, yet he chose to call me instead of sending an email?" - Lars Balker Rasmussen, on ASR. %% `One thing I do want to try is to install Outlook Express to see if it does indeed turn the user into a drooling moron who can't spell, can't quote correctly, and has nothing interesting to say.' - Peter Corlett in the Monastery %% "The same people that tell you that a Linux program is as good as a WinNT program would also tell you it's better to wipe your ass with a belt sander instead of toilet paper. I can hear them now; "It may not look as good but it's faster and does a more thorough job!"" - Funny Luser %% While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" %% "I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't." (By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center) %% Professional doesn't mean you're good at what you do. It merely indicates that you bill customers for your services. -- Alex Holst %% Unsolicitated mail and visits of a religious, political or business nature will be handled with extreme prejudice. Consider yourself warned. %% Silence may not be golden, but at least it's quiet. Don't speak unless you can improve the silence. I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -- Adam Rifkin, %% "It's not my job to teach you how to read or to think. If you have a critical failing in either of those abilities, you will find yourself in situations where you will look foolish because of it." -Sean K. Reynolds %% There's nothing wrong with me; therefore, there must be something wrong with the universe. %% I have 2 attitudes. This *is* the good one. You have been warned. %% I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. %% Thank you for playing "Should we, or should we not, take the advise from the galactically stupid". %% "I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest." -- Alexandre Dumas (fils) %% It's true...no man is an island. But if you take a bunch of dead guys and tie 'em together, they make a pretty good raft. %% Having dinner with someone you love, feels like a minute. Holding a hot iron to your face for a minute, feels like an hour. *That* is relativity. %% "But seriously, it seems to me that the cultural difference between the person who's asking and the people who can answer the question is so big that any communication can't be possible before we both spend considerable amount of time learning each others cultures. And since I'm happy in my culture where we don't leak data on disk and in memory, where we check return values from syscalls, where we don't overrun our buffers, where we unzip before peeing and where we wear clothes to the shopping mall, I'm not going to waste my time learning the culture of the barbarians. Instead I will just reply with a few witty comments, collect a few laughs and go on doing what I'm doing while the barbarians are peeing their pants and leak confidential data in freed memory." -- Artur Grabowski %% have you ever *used* JavaBUg????? It's just like gdb, but unplug your monitor and fill one of your hands with cream cheese. %% We trained hard -- but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing inefficiency, confusion and demoralization. - Gaius Petronius Arbiter (d. ~66 AD) %%